When I was growing up, I remember having so many questions about a lot of things out there and within. I remember looking for answers and I remember my parents had different ways of looking at these things and a lot of them did not make sense to me. I often felt like I was asking very deep questions, questions mostly related to relationships, romantic or otherwise, questions on rules at home, questions on certain behaviours, questions on how the world worked and how it all seemed so cruel and unfair at times, questions on how my parents also had ingrained sexist ideologies on certain things which felt very unsettling yet I also wondered maybe they were right because they were adults and my parents after all. 
For a long time, I also internalized a lot of their ideologies and views growing up. I did not come from a home where it was common to hit people and my parents never raised their voices at one another but the movies at the time and a lot of other people around me behaved in ways that made me think hitting another person, a person you claimed to hold affection for, was romantic and caring. I obviously do not hold the same thoughts right now but I have often wondered why my parents did not correct me. Were they not aware or did they have a passive attitude towards certain things I wondered. I remember distinctly when something of the sort happened at my house, when my dad’s older brother hit his wife. I was young but I remember my dad asking his sister-in-law to leave her husband and that we would support her and that made me happy then but I often think now why didn’t anyone in the family say anything to my dad’s brother. Why did they not actively express their anger or tell him what he did was wrong? Why did they not draw boundaries with him to keep their distance from someone who thought domestic abuse was okay? I do not know the answers to these things even now because he is still treated well in the family.  
I’m now old enough to understand each human being is nuanced, has layers and cannot be judged by a particular behavior but it is also true that certain things are just wrong and there is no way of justifying this. I do not remember when I started expressing my views openly in front of my parents but I have been fortunate to see I have parents who will listen, sometimes do not agree, and sometimes may not understand where I am coming from too but I have not been in a situation personally where my parents do not even care about my opinion. But on the flip side, I have also often observed that this has been a relatively new shift. When I was in school, I rarely was so expressive and even so with my parents and while I do not remember when I started to do it, I am aware that this is important. 
I am constantly forced to draw parallels with a friend of mine who comes from a slightly more rigid and orthodox family but also has her own views on things and chooses to express it around her friends but I see her agree with her family even if she does not genuinely agree just to maybe keep the peace intact or because she believes they will never understand. After working with a few clients on these issues, from both ends, I have come to realize this, every person is entitled to have their opinions but it is imperative to voice them and stand firm in order for others around us to respect our opinions. And this is true for parent child relationships especially. I can go on writing about all the things parents can do from their end to handle conflicts better but this piece is not for parents, it is specifically for children who, like me, have also had their fair share of disagreements with their parents and may not know what to do with it. 
 
Coming from my field of work, we place a great deal of importance on communication. This is because we realize every person is different and their thoughts, values, belief systems, conditioning can all be drastically different too. When there is so much diversity, it is important to first understand our own self best and to allow some room for change. Growing up, I was always rebelling with everything and everyone but especially at home and while I can go on to explain what that says about me as a person psychologically, what I also learnt was more often than not, I was rebelling without understanding what it means and without being unsure of my own stance. I was just it without pausing to think if what I was doing resonated with me or not. 
With time, I have come to know myself better and once I started paying attention to what my opinions are, where they came from, whether they are morally and factually correct and whether they resonated with me, I have also learnt to leave some room for change and re-consideration. We can never be a 100 percent right all the time with everything and we can never know everything there is to know under the sun and there will always be people who are more knowledgeable than us and it is important to be firm yes, but to always be open as well or it won’t make us opinionated, it just makes us arrogant.  
Considering all of this, how do we actually deal with conflict especially at home?  For me, once I knew myself and knew my own belief systems, I naturally started expressing this to my parents. It was difficult to do it because growing up in South-Asian cultures teaches us to be respectful and obedient to our elders and that conditioning is very deep. But being expressive does not have to be disrespectful in the least. Initially I was unaware of how to be myself while being respectful too. I constantly had arguments, fights, and passive aggression silent treatments. Over a period of time, I slowly started to learn how to express myself because as much as we say it is important to communicate, it is even more important to know exactly how to communicate and there is such a thing as healthy communication and yelling at another person is not it. 
Now when I disagree with something, I always start with curiosity because I have often wondered why my parents think a certain way. Is it because someone taught them that and they blindly followed it or did they learn it from some experience or person. This also ensures my parents are given the space to explain themselves and to be able to express why exactly they think what they think. A lot of times when I do this, I realize where they are coming from, I form a deeper understanding and while I may sometimes not ultimately agree with the final thought or perception, I am able to make peace with it. It also helps create a space where everyone feels heard. Once my parents say their piece, I also take the opportunity to say mine and where that originates from. Once again, they may not understand completely but it is giving them an opportunity to make peace with it too. 
And then there are certain practices and beliefs which can be sexist or extremely conservative but may not look that way to our parents. My way of coming to realize how to deal with this is to firmly put my point across on how I differ from what they believe in and it is okay to accept that certain things for them may not change but to also put down a boundary on how I am unwilling to be a part of it too. This may again result in conflicts but conflicts in themselves are never the problem. The problem arises when one person forces their views on to others and expects them to blindly follow it and not have their own views on the matter.  
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