To talk about how to go about this, first we need to understand the difference between isolation and solitude. It is important to spend time with ourselves, care for ourselves and love ourselves, what we call “Self Love” in the new media age and a lot of times referred to as “Self-respect” too but the concept actually goes down to self-worth and self-esteem in therapy. We may choose to call it whatever we wish to, but it is important to work on this. It exists in all of us already, we only need explore it to understand it better. For this to happen, we need to be able to sit with ourselves, and when I say sit with ourselves, I do not mean we need to read a book or journal or indulge in self care practices like bubble baths and sheet masks or binge watch Netflix. There isn’t anything wrong with any of the above in fact it can help different aspects of life but to be able to attain solitude, we need to first explore isolation.
How many times in a week can we sit all by ourselves without doing anything at all? To just sit alone in our own company? To not ruminate about all the things that feel bad in our lives? To not constantly push ourselves or be hard on ourselves for something out of our control? To not constantly worry about whether all our future plans will come true? To not obsess over whether or not we will find a friend or partner on whom we may dump all our emotional baggage? To not constantly stress on whether we are loved and cared for by other people?
How often is it that we ask ourselves if we love ourselves? Now, I know it sounds philosophical but really, how often do we ruminate on this question. Do we even really know how to love ourselves? Because Self-love or Self-worth exists in all of us, we are born with it which is why when you observe kids, a lot of what they do appear selfish to our adult-eyes. Kids always demand attention, they cry or throw tantrums when they do not get what they want, they are not afraid to speak their mind and they seldom care about how they appear to others. We have all been this way in our childhood too but it is also where the suppression and the conditioning starts.
When kids behave this way, we as adults teach them things like not crying or throwing tantrums even though we as adults still feel the urge to do it as it is what makes us human, the ability to feel. We teach kids to think about others, call them “Bad” when they don’t listen or do what they feel like doing. We don’t give them attention saying “The world will not work according to them”. They see us caring about how others perceive us instead of what feels true to us. We model all these behaviours and naturally that is when our kids get the unconscious message that “I cannot be myself or do what feels natural to me”, “I always have to put others before me or be considerate of others feelings at the expense of mine”, “It is selfish to ask for the things I feel I need”, “I cannot depend on anyone to understand how I feel and have to solve my own problems”, “I will be willing to let go of myself if it means someone, anyone can love me”. Does this resonate with a lot of us? I know it resonated with me for a long time and sadly, it resonates with a lot of my clients too. Sometimes I find it astonishing just how many adults feel this way. Most of us secretly do and yet, we hide it even though the world comprises of people who feel exactly the way we do because we have been taught we cannot express or be our true selves.
This is precisely where loneliness starts as we start feeling “No one will understand what I’m going through” because others are taught to hide these feelings pretty well too and we appear exactly like them on the outside but all of us feel these things to a certain degree on the inside. It is truly tragic how we have all been conditioned to keep our fears well-hidden and away from others and appear perfect on the outside while we slowly feel torn apart on the inside because we wont allow anyone else to see that side of us.
On the flip side, some people do the exact opposite by baring all of them the second they meet a new person in the desperation to have them show concern and affection. It seems harsh but it is truly what I see very often in my sessions. When people make new connections, they instantly dump their emotional baggage on to the other person not waiting to see if the other person truly have their best interests at heart, if they truly care or even if they are capable of providing us what we need and expect. This naturally reinforces our original thought that “In spite of me showing my true self, no one loves me” or “I am unworthy or un-loveable”.
It is unfortunate how most of us have never been taught to listen to ourselves, to prioritise ourselves, to show ourselves care and love and affection and that doing so isn’t selfish, to realise that no external source can fill the void within us unless we realise we are worth it.
This naturally leads to us being surrounded by people who are unavailable emotionally, who probably are wrestling with their own battles and fears and insecurities, who, for whatever reason, cannot give us what we need. And we constantly keep wondering whether it is something we are doing wrong, what more can be done to earn the affection of another person, how much more can we abandon ourselves.
While, I empathise is how dejecting this whole process can feel, it is imperative that we realise until we start providing these things for ourselves, we will be doomed to meet the same kind of people because we do not realise that in our desperation to have our needs met, we do not stop to see if these people are even capable or want to do it.
Will be continued...
If you or someone you know needs help to manage loneliness, consider reaching out to our ‘Support’ and ‘Engage’ verticals for affordable and inclusive assistance!     
  
Like our content? Please show us some support by sharing and up-voting!    
   
Image Credits: Pexels.com