Hello, we are Anjali and Sadiya (names changed). We are here to speak up about our past experiences of child sexual abuse, abuse that broke us, shaped us, and continues to live in us.  
 
Anjali faced child sexual abuse for the first eight years of life, while Sadiya remembers it from five to fourteen years of age. Their abusers were known to them; they were close to them, and both Anjali and Sadiya continue to feel that their abusers loved them.  
 
Speaking of her abuse, Sadiya's initial thoughts were around how survivors often self-gaslight.  
 
"I knew I was going through something I shouldn't be going through. But I couldn't precisely tell what was wrong and why was it wrong."  
 
"My earliest memory of recounting my abuse was when I was talking to one of my friends. I asked her if she goes through the same because I thought it was normal for a 6-year-old to go through this."  
 
Even recounting this seems absurd to Sadiya, as the memory of it seems unreal now. Self-gaslighting was a part of Anjali's journey as well. She says  
 
"He was very close to me and would cuddle me a lot. I enjoyed him cuddling me. It made me feel loved. However, it was in these moments that the abuse happened. I enjoyed the cuddling but not what he would do in those moments. However, whenever I had to open up about my abuse to people, I wondered if he actually abused me or was this a form of love."  
 
"I felt like I was hyping things up; he just loves me. At that age, I didn't know what abuse or love looked like. I didn't know how the two were different from each other."  
 
We noticed a similarity in our experiences. Both grew up in a culture where love or affection was not shown physically. We did not see our parents showing love to us or to each other through touch. However, at the same time, when our abusers hugged or kissed us in front of them, they did not stop them or question them. In fact, they would say that "Because you are a kid, that person loves you like that. When you grow up, this will change."   
 
This made us even more confused, mainly because we were getting the physical form of love not from the people we wanted but from our abusers.  
 
Further, today, we realize how invisible abuse remains within our households. We rarely express love, leave alone talk about abuse. As children, we develop a sense of relationships. We were learning how abuse is integral in relationships and that what we were going through was normal. Yet, in years of our abuse, no adult seemed to notice and stepped in to intervene.  
 
And today, as adults, we recognize the importance of educating children on the dangers of child sexual abuse. We are working around this social issue at various levels with various people. Yet, even today, the memories often freshen up, trigger, and affect us. We have been taking professional help to cope with the trauma of our abuse, and we know we have come a long way. However, this journey has been a difficult one. It was unpleasant to accept what we went through. It was disheartening to acknowledge that our loved ones abused us. And it was even more upsetting to witness our families silencing us. 
 
When asked about how did the survivors moved on in life, Sadiya says 
 
“I was always confused about the whole concept of forgiving to move on. It took me a while to realize that I won’t be able to forgive. I have now just accepted that what happened, happened. And now, I just have to live my life from here.” 
 
While Anjali says, 
 
“I guess I have forgiven my abuser. However, I am not sure to what extent. I definitely haven’t forgotten what he did. Nor will I be able to. However, it hurts to accept that he got away with it, he wasn’t held accountable, and he is not behind bars today. This resentment lives in me like a burning flame that keeps me working towards a better space for us all.” 
 
One good thing that has come out of our ordeal is that we are supporters today from being survivors before. We talk about our abuse and hope that our voice breaks the silence on the issue. We believe we will meet more people like us, we will learn from them, and at the same time, we will keep spreading the awareness and information we have gathered.  
 
This post represents the author’s personal views and experiences. iDare doesn’t endorse or take responsibility for the opinions expressed. 
 
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