Ever feel like you're dating a human version of that lamp with the eternally flickering light? You know, the one with a mystery sticky spot that haunts your dreams? Yeah, that special someone who seems like they could use a little...help. Who could really use your amazingness to, well, not be a disaster? Hold on, Cinderella. Before you dust off your metaphorical glass slippers and dive headfirst into "fixing" him, consider this: your knight in not-so-shining armor might be triggering some not-so-glamorous stuff from your childhood.
 
Listen, we've all been there. Blinded by the charm of a "project" boyfriend, convinced our amazing personality can turn that grumpy cave dweller into a social butterfly who actually folds fitted sheets (without turning them into origami nightmares). Newsflash: most men aren't broken, they're just...well, men.
 
But jokes apart, the urge to fix your boyfriend might not be about him at all. It might be connected to a surprise guest from your past: unresolved childhood trauma. Don't worry, it's not as dramatic as it sounds. Maybe you longed for a dad who showed up for stuff, and now you find yourself dating emotionally distant guys who vaguely resemble a deflated participation trophy.
 
Or maybe you grew up in a chaotic house, and now you're weirdly drawn to "fixer-upper" partners because the drama feels strangely familiar (and secretly a little comforting?). Hey, we all have our baggage!
 
But, what is unresolved trauma?
 
You might have come across this term, but what does "unresolved trauma" really mean? You might think it's all in the past and that you've moved on. Isn't that enough? Perhaps you've even had therapy. So why does it still affect you?
 
When you've experienced trauma in childhood, it embeds itself deep within you. You could say it becomes a part of your very being. The memories, even if repressed and unconscious, manifest in your symptoms, relationship difficulties, and low self-esteem.
 
Many children who have been traumatized feel they’ve always had to fend for themselves and do their best to navigate their struggles alone. However, there's a limit to what you can achieve on your own. This is why the profound impacts of childhood trauma often remain "unresolved."
 
You might wonder: “Even if I’ve had therapy?” Unfortunately, yes. Many therapists aren't specialists in childhood trauma, and that's crucial for addressing the core of your early experiences.
 
The roots of your childhood trauma often remain unresolved. While the symptoms might be suppressed for a time, stress or events that remind you of your early trauma can bring you back to those original experiences.
 
So, how can you tell if your urge to fix men is linked to your childhood? Here are some signs to watch out for:
 

You're constantly in "rescuer" mode: 

Do you find yourself constantly cleaning up after your partner, making excuses for their behavior, or trying to solve their problems? This can be a sign that you're subconsciously trying to fill a void left by a parent or caregiver who wasn't emotionally available.

You're attracted to emotionally unavailable men: 

Maybe you're drawn to partners who seem distant or aloof because it feels familiar from your childhood. This can create a cycle of unhealthy relationships where you're constantly trying to "fix" someone who isn't capable of changing.

You feel drained and frustrated in your relationships

The constant effort to fix your partner can leave you feeling emotionally and physically exhausted. You might experience anxiety, low self-esteem, or even physical symptoms like headaches or stomachaches.
 
Why can the urge to fix men be linked to physical aspects? It's all about stress! When you're constantly trying to control a situation or "fix" someone, your body goes into fight-or-flight mode. This can lead to the release of stress hormones like cortisol, which can take a toll on your physical and mental health.
 
So, what can a hopeless romantic do? Here's the lowdown, with a sprinkle of sass:
 

Think MacGyver, not mechanic: 

Instead of trying to completely rebuild your boyfriend, focus on building a strong relationship together. Talking things out is key, and finding stuff you both dig (like escaping Ikea without a meltdown) is awesome.

Forget the warranty: 

Men (and people in general) don't come with guarantees. They're complex beings, not faulty toasters. Love them for who they are, weird quirks and all.

Seek help if you need it: 

If your quest to fix men feels like a never-ending cycle, a therapist can be your knight in shining armor. They might not fold your sheets, but they can help you develop healthier relationship habits.
 
Remember, a happy relationship needs two whole people, not a fixer and a project. Love yourself, find someone who loves you back, and maybe, just maybe, you'll finally score a guy who folds a fitted sheet without reducing you to tears. But hey, if not, at least you've got a great story for later.
If you or somebody you know is going through something difficult and needs to get in touch with a therapist, consider reaching our ‘Support’ and ‘Engage’ verticals for affordable and inclusive help!    
 
Like our content? Please show us some support by sharing and up-voting!
 
Image Credits: Unsplash